[Two teenage boys in a messy, boyish room, sitting on bed, leaning against the wall, with their knees up, trainers on the bed.]
PHIL: Address your followers properly. That’s an important bit; that’s what makes them believe.
JAMIE: [writes it down] yeah, true, true…But what are we gonna do about costumes? [Fidgets around getting comfortable]
PHIL: Costumes? [As if it’s a ridiculous idea he’s waiting to hear explained.]
JAMIE: well, we can’t expect people to buy into it, if we don’t even use our imagination, y’know? All religious people have a special dress, to show when they’re being holy, or when they’re doing important stuff.
PHIL: I think it’s too full on. I mean, what if we look ridiculous? Everything will fall apart.
JAMIE: you’re right. We don’t want to give them reason to doubt us. But we do need some kind of marketing, you know, the crucifix, the headscarf, the red string, something.
PHIL: maybe we should come back to that one? Because I think what we need first is a guiding philosophy. We can’t really make a religion without one.
JAMIE: I always liked the Buddha’s ideas.
PHIL: it’s been done. [deadpan]It’s called Buddhism. Ummm….. what about Nietzsche,
JAMIE: too hard to spell. And it sounds bad. Even his name is poncey. And wasn’t he kind of racist? I thought he was friends with Hitler?
PHIL: no that was Mozart, wasn’t it?
JAMIE: he’s even more poncey.
PHIL: only cos everyone always says “I like classical music, Mozart’s my favourite”, like that’s probably the only one they know, and they think it makes them sound clever. It makes them sound like a prick.
JAMIE: people that talk about classical music always sound like pricks.
PHIL: no. I mean, if you’re doing it to be superior then yeah, you sound like a prick. But some people actually just love it the way you love …. Chasing girls. You know the thrill of the chase, the attention to detail. Those people sound like they’re in love, when they talk about it. Those people, people who actually love it; their favourites would be like Rachmaninov, or Mussogorsky. Not fucking Mozart.
JAMIE: [sniggering playfully] Alright. Ok, so that’s what we need then; something for people to fall in love with! Not classical music, or a religion based on chasing girls… maybe a religion based on chasing girls… [smirking, pretending his thoughts wandering off, dramatically gazing into distance]
JAMIE: but I’m right though, aren’t I? We need to be for something. We need something that people will love.
PHIL: Yeah, true, true. [both thinking hard; long pause]
JAMIE: who’s the coolest person you can think of?
PHIL: alive or dead?
JAMIE: he’s alive.
PHIL: so it’s rhetorical?
JAMIE: am I supposed to answer that?
PHIL: oh, for fuck’s sake! …Jack Nicholson?!
PHIL: you know we can’t start a religion for Jack Nicholson–
JAMIE: why not? He’s awesome, people love him. It could work.
PHIL: because he’s still alive. And because he’s just a famous actor, he didn’t contribute to any philosophy. And because our new religion will then only attract an obscure selection if Jack Nicholson freaks. And because he could maybe even sue us, who knows? And because it’s kind of weird, actually, and definitely not in a good way. Do you want more reasons?
JAMIE: fine. [Sulkily]. But he’s so awesome. Like who would you rather be, Jack Nicholson in The Wild Ride or in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest? Or Blood And Wine?!! Okay, except the endings, obviously. Because I’d… God, I wouldn’t know…actually, it’s hard.
PHIL: I haven’t seen Blood and Wine.
PHIL: so? Is it good?
JAMIE: you haven’t seen it?
JAMIE: we’re watching it.
JAMIE: why not?
PHIL: I thought we were doing this.
JAMIE: the only thing that would override the importance of seeing that film is if you hadn’t seen, say, Easy Rider or The Shining.
PHIL: of course I’ve seen The Shining.
JAMIE: oh my god, you have seen Easy Rider?!!!
PHIL: …Yeah, I think,-
JAMIE: if you are not sure then you haven’t, ok. We are going. Right now. To my house to educate you. You are clearly being raised in a cultureless vacuum here, we are gonna watch Easy Rider, then Blood and Wine, then maybe you need some Wolf, just to be on the safe side.
PHIL: ok, let me just tell my mum, I’ll catch you up.
JAMIE: bring some food
PHIL: you’ve got food at your house?
JAMIE: not like crisps and stuff. Just bring it.
PHIL: fine. Seeya in a sec.
Both get up off the bed, leaving the notebook disregarded, leaving the room.
PHIL: oh what about this thing? Turning back to the notebook
JAMIE: we’ve come up with loads today. The best ideas don’t all come in five second intervals, you know. Genius takes time.
They bound out of the room;
JAMIE: do you remember when he climbs Chief’s shoulder to play basketball,
PHIL: … no, no, its classic when they nick the bus, drive out to the docks. They all go out on that boat pretending to be a bunch of doctors?
JAMIE: I’d run away, god Nurse Ratchet is such a bitch…
[voices and lights fade.]